Welcome

Maggie Jaimeson,

author of

EXPENDABLE!

Ensnared in a dangerous mystery involving biogenetics research and children with no identities, Jenna and Reed must rely on each other for survival. Yet the closer they get to danger, the more intense their feelings for each other become. The cost of saving her nephew may be their hearts . . . and their lives.

Maggie Jaimeson writes romantic suspense with a futuristic twist and romantic women's fiction. Her debut novel, EXPENDABLE, released August 12, is published by Wild Rose Press. Maggie is a multi-Margie grad, who survived two Immersion Master Classes with Margie.

Maggie was attending her first Immersion class when she got THE EMAIL, an offer to publish EXPENDABLE. Here's how Maggie described her unforgettabe experience:

I remember I was working on the opening to my YA novel and we had taken a break, so we all jumped on our emails (cell phones were iffy up in the mountains so we all relied on email for contact) I saw the offer in the email and blinked a couple of times to make sure I wasn't seeing things. I had been trying to sell for six years, and had written four previous novels to that one, so I was in such shock I could barely move.

I don't know how long it was until I spoke, very calmly to the group. I said, "Um, I have something to share. I just got my first offer to buy my book." The group looked at me for a moment in stunned silence, then almost in unison they shouted "MAGGIE!!!!! Why aren't you jumping up and down and screaming?" I think I was somehow afraid if I looked away from the computer that it wouldn't be true. :)

At the end of the retreat they celebrated by spraying me with silly string. Five months later, in the Advanced Immersion class, I was finishing final round edits on EXPENDABLE.

Maggie's Uber Red Immersion sisters were so thrilled for her then, and we are all still thrilled.

They named their Immersion class the Uber Reds. In a personality assessment, they all had strong Red traits. All leaders. All driven to succeed. And I trust that all of them will succeed.

Right, Uber Reds?

Here's an excerpt from EXPENDABLE, followed by my Deep Editing Analysis, and a Deep Editing Q & A.

EXCERPT FROM EXPENDABLE

The Set-up:  Former Marine Reed Adler just found a terrified boy and a dead woman in the forest near his Oregon home.

To his surprise, the kid stood just ten feet off the trail. There were no tears now, no trembling, just him standing still as a statue with a tortured look in his eyes.

Reed didn't move. He didn't want to scare him into running again. "I'm sorry kid. She's dead."

The boy stiffened and refused to look Reed in the eye.

"I guess you already knew that."

The boy dropped his eyes to the ground and let out a big breath. His shoulders slumped.

"Do you know who did this?"

Again, the boy said nothing. He stared at Reed, his eyes wide, unblinking, as vacant as a sacrificial lamb. His lips trembled, but he didn't cry out. Suddenly, he folded to the ground and curled into a fetal position.

Reed took a step forward, then another. When there was no flight reaction, he hurried to the kid and scooped him into his lap. Small arms went around his neck and held tight. Reed rocked him, hugging him to his chest.

"I don't know what happened here, kid. But I'll keep you safe. You hear? I won't let anyone hurt you."

The boy didn't cry, didn't say anything, but he held on as if his fingers had a death grip on a hand grenade.

Margie's Deep Editing Analysis:

Cadence -- Compelling and powerful.

Similes - Excellent. Both amplified. Discussed in Deep Editing Q & A below.

Showing What's Not Happening:  Maggie showed us what wasn't happening seven times. Powerful.

I cover the dynamics of this deep editing technique (Showing what's not happening) in my advanced Deep Editing course in November.

There were no tears now,

no trembling.

Reed didn't move.

he didn't cry out.

there was no flight reaction,

The boy didn't cry,

didn't say anything,

Alliteration -- tears, trembing, tortured

Power Words - tears, trembling tortured, scared, dead, vacant, sacrificial, trembled, cry, fetal, flight, held tight, rocked, hugging, safe, hurt, death grip, hand grenade

Character/Emotion-Themed Words -- Discussed in Deep Editing Q & A below.

Body Language, Face, Proxemics, Touch -- All good!

Deep Editing Q & A:

1. Margie:  The excerpt above is cadence driven. From the first word to the last, the cadence propels the reader forward. No meandering. No stalls. No speedbumps.

Margie Grads know, I emphasize cadence in my online courses, as well as in Immersion classes.

When you deep edited that cadence, did you read it out loud?

Did you tweak it to enhance the cadence?

Do you recall any changes you made?

How did you work your cadence magic?

Maggie:  Actually I’m an auditory learner, so even when I write I’m saying things aloud. But in the in editing process I also read aloud and often try several different combinations until the rhythm seems to work.

I keep all my edits to help me remind me not to make the same mistakes again.  Here is how I changed the first part of that section. The red is what was changed.

To his surprise, the kid was standing just ten feet off the trail. There were no tears now, no trembling, just him standing still as a statue with a tortured look in his eyes.

Maggie changed the RED above to "stood."

Reed didn't move. He didn't want to scare him into running again.  "I'm sorry, kid. She's dead."

The boy said nothing, still not moving a muscle.

Maggie nixed the RED above, and wrote this instead:

The boy didn't cry, didn't say anything, but he held on as if his fingers had a death grip on a hand grenade.

BLOG GUESTS: Please read that sentence out loud.

The boy didn't cry, didn't say anything, but he held on as if his fingers had a death grip on a hand grenade.

You felt it right?

After you read that sentence out loud, you felt the silent "Boom" in your gut.

That feeling that hits you when you read something that carries power.

The boy didn't cry, didn't say anything, but he held on as if his fingers had a death grip on a hand grenade.

Hear the cadence? Every beat is a working beat. Each word propels the reader into the next word.

The strong content, strong imagery, and strong cadence make that sentence carry power.

2. Margie:  Reed, the boy, and Jenna have all experienced severe trauma. Reed has PTSD, the boy saw his mother die, and Jenna was attacked.  How did you use body language to show the dynamics between your characters? What components of body language (including face, proximity, touch . . . ) did you use?

BLOG GUESTS:  I promise, Maggie’s book isn’t as gruesome as it sounds.

Maggie: Wow, this could be an essay in itself.  First, I took into account each of the character’s personalities and ages and then acted out their body language according to those traits.

For example, Reed was a Marine in Special Operations. This means his body language would be one of stoic denial.  When he’s hurt or scared, he notices his heart rate speed up, his breathing getting shorter, but instead of withering under that pace he stiffens his spine or uses his training to consciously take deep breaths and face danger.  His body language is confrontational. Prepare to strike rather than run.

Jenna is an emotionally strong woman, but she’s not physically strong. She’s also a pacifist, which means she faces danger with her wits and reason rather than with violence or aggression.  Her body language when faced with trauma is one of protection instead of confrontation.

For example, Jenna might pull her sweater tighter around her, cross her arms in front of her, pull her stomach into her back and curl down. Her flight response is pretty strong, but she tries to “reason” her way out of danger rather than confront it.

The boy, David, is only ten years old and that makes him the most vulnerable because he hasn’t learned how to confront others or protect himself.  His body language moves between flight and fright.  Because of the trauma he’s faced for a long time, he’s also become numb to some extent.  In the passage above you can see that numbness that finally crumbles

“…his eyes wide, unblinking, as vacant as a sacrificial lamb. His lips trembled, but he didn't cry out. Suddenly, he folded to the ground and curled into a fetal position.”

As David becomes more comfortable with Reed, some of that numbness disappears but we continue to see parts of his trauma with repeated actions.

For example, Margie gave me an idea in the Advanced Immersion workshop that I used.  David has a small matchbox car.  It is his prize possession, and in many ways, his security blanket. When being questioned about the trauma he unconsciously uses that matchbox car to reflect his inner turmoil.  His body language includes covering it with his hand, repeatedly running it along his leg faster and faster as the memory of the trauma grows more difficult, fisting it in his hand, and when he is trusting opening his hand to show it/share it with Reed.

Kudos to Maggie. Excellent summary sharing what she did on the page to portray each character's emotional core and emotional arc.

Maggie -- You wrote their body language exceptionally well. I'm impressed.

BLOG GUESTS:  Study this line:

“…his eyes wide, unblinking, as vacant as a sacrificial lamb. His lips trembled, but he didn't cry out. Suddenly, he folded to the ground and curled into a fetal position.”

How many EMOTIONAL HITS did Maggie but in those thirty words?

How many times did Maggie show and tell the reader the boy's emotional state?

I'll show you:

“…his eyes wide (1), unblinking (2), as vacant  (3) as a sacrificial lamb (4) for amplifying vacant with a simile, (5) Maggie earned an extra point for making it a character/emotion-themed simile. She inferred that the boy is as innocent as a lamb. His lips trembled (5), but he didn't cry out (6). Suddenly, he folded to the ground (7) and curled into a fetal position.” (8)

Wow! Maggie crammed 8 Emotional Hits in 30 words.

Now read it out loud:

“…his eyes wide, unblinking, as vacant as a sacrificial lamb. His lips trembled, but he didn't cry out. Suddenly, he folded to the ground and curled into a fetal position.”

It's an easy two-part challenge:

Part A: Distill that excerpt and write it as plain and trite and boring as you can. Don't include all the points. Your version may be only five or six words.

Part B: Share WHY I would ask writers to give me bad writing. How could writing something in a plain, trite, boring way be useful?

3. Margie:  Okay – Here’s an easy-on-the-brain question.  In Chapter 9, Reed watches Jenna come out of her bedroom wearing a T-shirt with the words, “Don’t mess with me.”

Powerful message! Did you have her wearing that T-shirt from your first draft of the scene? Was that the first saying you used? If not, what were the previous ones?

Maggie:  The initial draft had her putting on his Pendleton shirt—the typical feel-close-to-the-love-interest-by-wearing-his-shirt scene.  But as I went through edits (actually before submittal to Wild Rose Press), I realized that Jenna wouldn’t be embracing her feelings for Reed yet.  In fact, she needed to stand on her own and be able to stand up to Reed before she could ever get really involved with him.

Shortly after that realization I was walking around campus and saw a tattooed young woman, with a mowhawk wearing a t-shirt that said “Don’t Mess With Me.” The image of strength and rebellion stood out and I knew that was what Jenna would choose to wear to let Reed know he couldn’t control her.

Strength and rebellion. Perfect for Jenna. Well done.

4. Margie:  Now for a multi-faceted topic. Tell us about your writing process.

Are you a pantser or plotter?

Do you write a dirty first draft, or edit a little, or edit a lot, before you move forward.

Do you try to complete a first draft in a certain time frame?

How long do you allow for deep editing a complete manuscript?

Maggie: I’m an organic writer for the most part, which means I’m primarily a pantser. It seems most people I know who write romance begin with the characters and then form a story around them.  I’m the opposite.  I begin with an event or a big idea, and then I have to figure out who the characters are involved in that event and how they will come to know about it and impact it.

This means, the first 50-100 pages I’m getting to know the characters, their goals and motivations.  This also means the first half of the novel is edited a gagillion times as I figure out who they are and how they fit with the big idea.  I believe my subconscious works really hard during this stage and I’m always surprised at the characters that emerge.

Somewhere around the half way point of the novel, I understand my characters and the story. That is when my analytical brain takes over and the disorganization drives me crazy.  So, I outline the rest of the novel in terms of major turning points, the climax and denouement. If I know of particular scenes I need, I’ll outline those as well. However, I always allow for things to happen I didn’t plan.

Dirty fast draft? Every first draft is dirty to me. I’ve tried a variety of techniques including NaNoWriMo (50K words in a month), but it doesn’t work for me.  First, I have a more than 40 hour per week job that takes a lot of brain power and concentration.  This means my writing time is very limited.  Also, as I said previously, I’m an auditory learner.  This means my style of learning (and thus writing) is dependent on “hearing” the sound of the words, the cadence.  Because of this I REALLY can’t just let go and write without attention to that.  So, I do edit as I go along—but not DEEP edit.

For every novel I’ve written (EXPENDABLE was #6) I’ve set myself a timeline to complete the first draft. For me, I’ve found that five to six months is what works with my schedule and doesn’t result in too many three day weekends with no sleep to meet my deadline.  Sometimes work or life gets in the way of that timeline, and then I make adjustments.

As for the Deep Editing timeline, it also varies depending on if I have requests from editors or agents.  I allow a minimum of one month and a maximum of three.  I have to set a maximum because otherwise I could obsess over editing and re-editing for years.  I think there is a point where I can edit too much and obscure my voice.  I’m sure I don’t know exactly what the point is, but I try to be realistic with my expectations.

Your process and timeline sound like they work really well for you. Reasonable and usually doable. Glad you build in a flex plan too. Smart!

Regarding Deep Editing, depending on how much you do as you go along, one month could work. Three months sounds like a long time. But it could be perfect. You could take a break from your manuscript for a couple of weeks, and come back to it with fresh eyes and a fresh brain.  :-)

5. Margie:  Could you share one deep editing piece you learned from me that you thought you’d never master, but you did? How do you use it now?

Maggie: I don’t know if I can claim mastery, but I’m much better.  There are actually two that have been critical for me--building tension and use/placement of power words.

I always thought my tension was great. I even had multi-published authors telling me my pacing and tension was fine.  But, through deep editing, I learned it could be improved by cutting scenes, using word choices to say something in fewer but more powerful words, and highlighting visceral responses. (Oops, I guess that’s three techniques in one.)

The first and hardest part was learning how to cut entirely wonderful scenes in order to improve the tension and pacing, and still capture the essence of what was cut to keep the story aligned.  For example, my hardest cut in EXPENDABLE was a 15 page scene I cut down to three paragraphs.  It was my favorite scene of the book, and was the inciting incident that made me write the story in the first place.  It had action, pathos, dialog, and lots of conflict.  But…cutting it made the pacing so much better.

That was the most difficult cut, but there were several other smaller ones as well.  I attribute knowing I learned that skill to getting reviews like this one from Kathe at the Romance Studio.

“Wow! I was breathless trying to keep up with the action in Expendable.”

In terms of power word placement, that was a real eye-opener.  I already had power words in my writing (though I didn’t know it).  However, they were hidden in the prose and so didn’t work as hard as they could. Or, I didn’t have strong, power words in there at all.  Let me share one section where this is really obvious.

Here’s the way I wrote it before deep editing. I marked potential power words in red.

Her car caromed off the hillside and her air bags deployed. She was blind and heading toward the railing . . . She over-corrected and braked as she entered the next curve, but the SUV came up on her side and hit her.

Jenna screamed. Her door crumbled, bruising her ribcage. Her arms automatically covered her face as her car crashed through the barrier and arched over the canyon.

Bone shattered. Her terror echoed through the canyon as the car turned over again and again and again.

It landed on the roof, her world upside down.

Dizziness. Darkness. Dirt. Blood.

Here is the same section after deep editing. I’ve marked the power words in red (though Margie may find more. J).

Also note how having them in succession and repeating the theme of destruction makes it stronger. Of course, changing the “bone shattered” to the end of the paragraph makes it work harder, and taking out the landing on the roof keeps the pacing and emotion tighter.

Her car struck the hillside and rebounded. Her air bags exploded into her face. Partially blind, the car headed toward the railing . . .  She over-corrected and braked as she entered the next curve, but the SUV came up on her side and plowed into her.

Jenna screamed. The door crumbled, slamming into her ribcage. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t see. Her arms automatically covered her face as her car crashed through the metal barrier and arched over the canyon.

Her scream of terror echoed through the canyon as the car turned over again and again and again. Bone shattered.

Dizziness. Darkness. Dirt. Blood.

Maggie -  Your rewrite is much stronger. I agree with your analysis.

It's a faster-paced read. Strong cadence. Strong imagery.

I like your four stand-alone words at the end. Cool to have the first three words alliterative. Cool to have the last word, the backloaded power word, blood.

Maggie – I did find more power words!

It’s important to point out that power words are not primarily verbs.  A power word is any word that carries power. This is an action scene. We expect to see a lot of active verbs.

Here are the power words I found: blind, She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t see. scream

For example, I have a feeling for cadence because of my auditory learning style. But I didn’t even know it until taking the Immersion Class. I also have a natural tendency to use certain rhetorical devices like anaphora.  Before Margie’s class I’d never even heard the word “anaphora.” Now that I know what these techniques are called and how they work I can pat myself on the back when I use them, and I can enhance my natural voice by taking more advantage of them in the right places.

You're right about a few of the obscure rhetorical devices. Some writers use one or two of the cadence-driven rhetorical devices before they know what they are. Good for you for knowing how to use them now, and being mindful of when to use them. That knowledge can make the difference between a skimmer and a winner. 

Thanks for having me, Margie, and thanks for the good work you do helping writers to improve.

Thank you. I enjoyed working with you in my home in both Immersion Master Classes. I enjoyed reading your strong writing in EXPENDABLE too!

A BIG THANK YOU TO MAGGIE JAIMESON!

Upcoming Pubbed Margie Grads:

September 2nd: Jeanne Stein, CROSSROADS

Sept. 5th: Darynda Jones, SECOND GRAVE ON THE LEFT

BLOG GUESTS:

It's your turn to chime in!

Remember my Blog Guest Challenge:

“…his eyes wide, unblinking, as vacant as a sacrificial lamb. His lips trembled, but he didn't cry out. Suddenly, he folded to the ground and curled into a fetal position.”

Part A: Distill that excerpt and write it as plain and trite and boring as you can. Don't include all the points. Your version may be only five or six words.

Part B: Share WHY I would ask writers to give me bad writing. How could writing something in a plain, trite, boring way be useful?

Post a comment and you may win a copy of EXPENDABLE.